It's not even a wee bit funny how hard marketing is

Although you could pay people to throw frilly underwear onto the stage

An image I recently used in a fairly successful ad. Note the absence of a book cover.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Well, don’t. It’s a fun story anyway, if you are not offended by the sexy part.

Way back when, there was a Hollywood personal manager who knew marketing like perhaps eight others who have ever lived.

Jay Bernstein was the brain behind the 1970s iconic pinup poster of Farrah Fawcett — smiling widely, big hair flowing, and attributes obvious in her red bathing suit. He sold more than 12 million copies of what may still be the best-selling poster of all time.

It helped launch her career.

The brilliant Bernstein also knew there was something very very special about the great Welsh singer Tom Jones. (As an aside, I 100% agree.)

Bernstein approached a number of young women and offered to pay them a few bucks to fling hotel keys onto the stage where Mr. Jones was performing. Throw a pair of panties? That’ll get you $50.

So on that fateful night, at some point during the concert, Bernstein gave a signal to one of the young women, who promptly threw her key (fortunately not bopping Jones on the head). That was followed summarily by a pair of panties.

And the madness began. Panties and keys rained onto the stage in a hot storm.

The press loved it. Before long, everyone knew about Jones and his, ah, unique appeal. No further payment to willing fans was necessary. The panty-throwing took off on its own accord. A star was born.

And yes, Mr. Bernstein, we grasp that sex sells. Not all of us can do that, though.

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I’ve been thinking rather a lot about independent artist marketing lately, as you have probably assumed by now, but I have abandoned the idea of sexy stunts.

In this mulling process, it has occurred to me that attracting attention for any work or act of art has become increasingly difficult since Bernstein’s time. There are a great many more people on this Earth. The clamour, the sheer global thrum and indeed unpleasantness created by the internet — focused in social media — has changed everything

Meanwhile, there are far fewer proper mainstream media outlets, which also have fewer followers and less power, if you can even get their attention.

It’s an ugly world, in many ways, and unfortunately the ability to remain anonymous, and the ease of posting anything anywhere anytime, reflects the nasty side of humanity back to us. (Also the good side, but the clamour remains even then.)

It is not difficult to grasp why publicizing one’s work is so damn hard.

Unless you really break through with some genius social media campaign/presence/stunt, aka free marketing, becoming a best-selling artist of whatever flavour will require . . .

Advertising.

More than likely.

And even that is unlikely to move the needle into stardom.

But it might get you sales.

I’m going to admit, as much as it pains me, that I’ve been giving X a tiny amount of money lately. It makes me a tad ill, but this is business and I’ve been testing ads in a variety of locations. X is not the only platform with unsavoury issues.

It is the only ad I have ever run that has put me in the black. Let’s be clear; these are Very Small Numbers. But I’m running at about 90% ROI. I have yet to generate the courage to try scaling it up.

It has taught me a few things.

One: Advertising, even if it’s sexy-free, can actually work if you get a) the basics right b) and use a platform that allows for a decent number of impressions at a very low cost. How will you reach those people on the other side of the world or even in the state/province next door IF THEY HAVE NEVER HEARD OF YOU OR YOUR BOOK? Basic, free posting tends to occur in echo chambers. You have to fling that wider net.

Two: If you’re not in the black after some significant testing, try something else. Why would you keep throwing your efforts, time and funds at something that is losing money? This makes zero sense to me. If you can’t stomach supporting an internet giant, I feel you. Go with what you can live with. But the options are limited.

Three: Ugly can follow you everywhere. You need intestinal fortitude to deal with nasty, horrible, racist or homophobic comments and attacks on your talent. I advertised my first novel, Adam’s Witness, and had a reference to the Pride Choir in the copy. I almost killed the ad because the homophobic comments, some beyond the pale, made me so sick and so sad. (Yes, I complained, but got nowhere, which is another reason to not love X.)

But then a few people began to call out those commentators, and I decided to hang in there. Still, be warned. The more visible you are, the more you open yourself to attack. May I add that this book is about homophobia and how stupid and horrible and often violent it is. Thanks for proving my point, jerkbrains.

Four: I would love to hire a Jay Bernstein, but it’s hard to advocate for broke authors to hire expensive marketers. (And be careful if you do. Lots and lots of scammers and/or idiots out there.) If you are clever enough (I am not), by all means try a stunt, if it hurts no one and bears up under ethical scrutiny.

Alternatively, we can also read and learn and try things, and not reinvent every wheel either. For book industry and marketing knowledge, check out Jane Friedman, David Gaughran and Matthew J. Holmes. I have found them helpful, and much of their excellent advice is free.

I also would like to thank J.G. MacLeod, who has patiently pulled me down this path. I owe you a great deal, my friend. Thank you for sharing your journey.

I don’t know where this is all going, but I will take my very wee pile of money and count it as a win.